We are young and in our prime as they say. We think we know all about love, but do we really? I make the argument that most romantic relationships begin with looks and physical attraction. Robert Solomon in True to Our Feelings argues similarly. In the next few paragraphs, we are going to dive into what Robert Solomon has to say about romantic love and how we as everyday people see as love.
Robert Solomon describes love as originating from a primitive state. At first glance love is sexual not emotional. This kind of love that he describes is eros, romantic love. Not to be confused with agape, divine love, or philia, the love of friendship and family. Furthermore, he explores the reality of placing those we love on a pedestal, idealizing them, putting “appraisals” on them as Solomon says. He informs us that our love is not without reason; it is backed by reasons, which we create. I am not trying to paint a negative picture of love. Love is a beautiful thing. Love is ultimately about two souls coming together and being intertwined, as he puts it. But how do we get there? How do we reach passionate love? It all beings with a first glance, a quick exchange. If you do not find someone who pleases your eyes, who you find aesthetically pleasing do you honestly give them a second look? As shallow and unfortune as that sounds, for most of us, we do not give them a second look.
A small dilemma that Solomon introduces is the shallow aspect of love that many of us don’t even realize is there. Most of us think of romantic love as this beautiful partnership where we love a person inside and out, despite their flaws. How does that kind of love begin one might ask? Well…I want to bring to light the phrase “love at first sight”. I do not believe the love described in this quote is the romantic love we idealize; I think it is lust. We lust at first sight. The emotion of love, romantic love, is a much deeper more profound feeling, which we will later explore in more depth. But I think it means love in that phrase means something along the lines of I took one look at said person and I was attracted to them. We all know the most primitive purpose of life is to reproduce. So similar to animals we see someone we are attracted who appears to be a good mating partner, and that is where our romantic “love” begins.
The reason I argue love cannot be at first sight is because love takes time. Love is a choice we make to care for a person and include them in our day to day lives. We grow to love someone. How can you logically explain loving a person you do not know that you do not have any sort of dramatic connection to? I say dramatic connection because I exclude love for family, or love for someone you share a traumatic experience with. Besides those two exceptions, you can’t possibly be in love with a stranger you see walking down the street. What qualities of that stranger drives you to say you are in love with them? The qualities you list are going to be physical. Their eyes, smile, the way they walk, these are reasonable thing to love about a person, but these reasons are not enough to be in love with them. Our physical attributes are temporary and change as we age. So, to say you are in love with someone at first sight is false.
That is not the only false thing we not about love. Earlier I mentioned the idea of putting appraisals on our beloveds. This is something that Solomona also addresses. We create versions of our beloved and who we think they are, this can be a true version of them or a false version of them. Many of us idealize our beloved placing them on a pedestal, and when time get rough, and we don’t understand we turn to our friends and family or confirm or deny these appraisals. Solomon says, “We usually expect our appraisals and bestowals to be confirmed or at least respected by others, especially those close to us”. This is a personal opinion of mine, but I believe we create these potential false appraisals of our beloved based on our first impressions of them. Like I mentioned earlier majority of our first impressions of a person comes from our physical appearance.
So, this all leads to the understanding that most romantic relationships being with the physical. And even though it’s a shallow truth it is a reality.
Shared by: Anonymous
Image Credit: Discover Magazine