Social media is a powerful tool that can be used for connecting and interacting with people from all over the world. It’s an amazing way to share opinions and disseminate information quickly and to a large group of people. All this being said, we know that social media can also be used to spread harmful messages which promote hate and oppression. There is a certain problematic corner of social media known as “Pick-Me Twitter” that has taken a specific interest in enforcing gender norms and policing the behavior of women. Surprisingly, “Pick-Me Twitter” is mostly comprised of women. This begs the question: Why do women often take part in upholding and enforcing the very social norms that oppress them?
Before we begin to dive into Pick-Me Twitter, I think that it is important to take time to discuss misogyny itself. In the past, sexism and misogyny were often conflated. Sexism, as we all know, is the practice of discriminating based on a person’s sex. In her book Down Girl, Kate Manne rejects that misogyny shares this same definition. Rather, she seems to argue that misogyny is a central part of sexism. Manne claims that misogyny “functions to enforce and police women’s subordination and to uphold male dominance” (Manne, 19).
Now that we have nailed down what will be our working definition of misogyny, we can begin to discuss Pick-Me Twitter itself. This term gets its name from the women who participate in the fad, as they are frequently referred to as “pick-mes”. Their behavior is characterized by criticizing and belittling other women via twitter, specifically those who dare to operate outside of traditional gender norms. After scrolling through several tweets of this kind, it seems to me that pick-mes tend to be women who apparently identify with Manne’s examples of accepted social roles for women. Specifically, they are the “loving wives, devoted moms, and ‘cool’ girlfriends” (Manne, 47). The way that this works is that the devoted mothers criticize working moms, devoted wives criticize less domestic wives, and the so called ‘cool’ girlfriends criticize other women as psychos or killjoys. While the idea of women shaming women may seem so counterproductive that it cannot be true, there are hundreds of examples of shaming practices tweets online. The tweet below provides a strong example of an enforcing tweet:
Is marraige slavery? No but as a WIFE it’s your JOB to cook, take care of his sexual needs, and submit to whatever else he may ask of you (@SadityyyB).
Does this sound ridiculous to you? If you said yes, you’re certainly not alone. The majority of the twitter community finds these women to be not only problematic, but downright annoying. So, how can we explain this behavior?
Well, if you ask a pick-me, they are likely to tell you that they actually whole-heartedly believe in the things that they are saying. Their tweets are not merely a facade or a manifestation of years of gender driven oppression, but a reflection of the way they truly feel, a reflection of their values. However, I would like to assert that this behavior is the product of motivated reasoning, not rational reasoning. Motivated reasoning can be defined as the “unconscious tendency of individuals to process information in a manner that suits some end or goal extrinsic to the formation of accurate beliefs” (Bardon, 8). It is my belief that the behavior of pick-mes is caused by motivated reasoning because they are seeking an end goal. In this case, I believe that the end goal is finding a mate (specifically a husband or boyfriend, as pick-mes seem to be overwhelmingly heterosexual). This theory likely comes as no surprise. In fact, the pick-mes were actually given their name due to their desperate, attention seeking tweets. The idea here is that pick-mes seek to put down or shame other women as a way to give themselves a one-up in the dating world. They way they see it, the more effectively they distance themselves from the crowd — or other girls — the more likely they are to find a husband or boyfriend. These women use several different tactics as a way to do this. One tactic is sneakily complimenting themselves while blatantly and unabashedly shaming other women in the process. The post below is a great example of a tweet of this kind:
Am I the only girl who doesn’t put fake lashes, or do fake eyebrows, or do contouring, or use
eyeshades or eyeliner? Mhmm? (@McGlorifys).
Another tactic the women of the pick-me community use is stressing the fact that they conform to the traditional gender roles that have been laid out for women. As seen in the tweet below, pick-mes often reference “this generation” or “other women” as a way to set themselves apart from the crowd:
I AM NOT LIKE THIS GENERATION!!! I still believe in marriage. I still believe in meeting your parents. I still believe in falling in love, and going on dates. I still believe in sticking by your side through thick and thin. This generation will not make me lose sight of that (@bitchreplies).
But why do these women believe that these social broadcasts will make them more attractive to the other sex? Well, it all seems to boil back to what Kate Manne calls “feminine coded goods” (Manne, 115). Manne suggests that female coded goods are the services that women are expected to provide within a patriarchal society. Additionally, the idea of feminine coded goods comes hand in hand with the idea that women should refrain from taking masculine coded goods. The women of pick-me twitter are appealing to men’s desire for female coded goods in an attempt to win their favor and affection. This is seen clearly through their tweets. They often boast on their own ability to provide feminine coded goods such as cooking, cleaning, and providing emotional support. However, many women also appeal to the feminine coded good of sexuality (please excuse the foul language):
Every [guy] says my vagina is pretty . I think it’s cuz i ain’t got kids, no abortions, and i don’t be fuckin lol (LucyLuTheGreat).
The above tweet is particularly interesting because although she is painting herself as a sexual being, she is simultaneously shaming other women for being promiscuous. In a basic sense, she is suggesting that she can provide the feminine coded good of sexual pleasure, but also maintain the feminine position of modesty.
The phenomena of pick-me twitter has been around for a long time, and unfortunately, it looks like it is here to stay. However, there does seem to be a bright side! The most ridiculous and outlandish of the pick-me tweets seem to be going viral — just not for the intended reason. Both men and women seem to be seeing these tweets for what they are: the misogynistic enforcement of oppressive gender norms.